permutative | Recent Entries

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what did i get up to this month? absolutely nothing, but i'll still write a dreamwidth post about it <3

WATCHING

KPOP CONTENT

in general: i got into a bunch of different groups this month and terrorized my friends with random content as a result. like seriously if i sent you random ateez (or other groups that u don't stan) stuff i apologize i just don't know anyone who's into 80z. next month i will reflect and return with a better image <3 i guess.

NCT

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going off of last month's media round up, i DID get briefly chenjified! i ended up binging all of chenji's this&that over the course of two or three days and then tried to read every decent chenji fic in existence and then i wrote a shitty fic for them [ahm... hehe] and promptly got them out of my brain after that.

notable things/observations:

my favorite videos out of the whole this&that series were definitely the episodes that they filmed in shanghai (one two three) T___T the inherent tenderness of visiting your best friend's childhood home or whatever
idols crafting or cooking is basically my ideal content... i've said this already but i absolutely hate variety games (#rip) BUT FOR SOME REASON watching parkjisung fail at crafting is so cute to me
tried to read chenji fic and it's like... i know they're a popular ship / everyone ships them but no one WRITES them? kind of depressing.
notable dreamwidth/notes content: perks of being an engine over a dreamzen + chenji this&that thoughts + notion database

ATEEZ

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ok i basically summed up all of my unhinged ateez feelings in this dreamwidth post... honestly it's kind of baffling to me that i got into this group but maybe i shouldn't be /that/ surprised... i like it when guys are just dudes and don't particularly like (or dislike) each other and are honest about their #dynamix. i got into them through the tingle interviews (they have three!? no clue why) but in general they have a lot of content on youtube that's tailored towards english-speaking audiences... also i spent like most of my """atiny"""" existence believing that ateez are complete flops but apparently they're not that floppy they're just like... not popular in korea. anyways hoping that KINGDOM leads to charting success for them or whatever. also i totally recognize that i'm not 100% the target audience for ateez because i like BRIGHT concepts mostly and i also don't care about pirates or vampires... but it's fine

notable things/observations:

their main ships are sooo fanservicey and i wish there was more canon compliant fic that explored the bbb-isms of woosan & seongjoong's dynamics
WHEN YOU'RE JUST A CHWESAN FAN. every day i log onto my burner account and scroll through 2747 different pictures of san and then i'm like wow <3 i'm happy <3 he's actually extremely strange to me and i don't get his personality at all but like this video lives in my head rent free. so yeah that's that
they have the worst styling in the world. like justice_for_hongjoong he's capable of looking so much better but then he's stuck with extremely questionable hair choices 75% of the time. like actually he would definitely be my bias if he consistently had normal looking hair (sorry for being SUPERFICIAL. he's still my #2)
here's the notion database, but my absolute faves are just the hello82 videos and the seongjoong tingle interview :sob:

P1HARMONY

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[following the release of scared] kaia: "why do p1harmony make it so hard for me to stan them" / me: "wait this song slaps <3"

UMM anyways as it's been established already i have an extremely shit taste in music... but anyways keeho's existence reminded me that i do have a casual interest in p1harmony and i finally watched their mbti video >__< IDK i just think their english interviews are so fun because of keeho saying shit. when you're just a keeho busanwings stan... see this for more random p1harmony rambling i guess.

ENHYPEN

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after the complete DROUGHT we're finally starting to get a lot of content now that the comeback started... idk what to say i'm just an engine as always. just going to highlight some videos i particularly enjoyed i guess T__T

notable videos:

jay's birthday vlive: oh my godd this made me convinced that jay is the most well-liked member in enhypen. it's definitely one of my favorite lives... like jay's clear preference for heewon (jay: "this is completely subjective" → proceeds to pick jungwon as the winner vs heeseung saying that "jay's face could cause the apocalypse"... who wins) + heejake being ramyeonz + sunghoon trying to appeal to jay but FAILING and being a dork + sunoo laughing the entire time and also being the only one to find little parksunghoon funny. also jungwon confusing washington and washington dc... there's so much going on here. T__T I'M AN ENGINE
border: carnival jacket shooting sketch: something about the back-to-back heejay and jakehoon moments Got To Me... also i just like the behind the scenes of it all in general
enhypen hello82 relay interview: i'm convinced that kaia and i manifested this considering we discussed ateez's hello82 videos literally days before and i was like "wow i want this content for enhypen" T__T anyways this is perfect content. people being forced to speak english awkwardly? jay park "singing"? random jaywon fanservice for no reason? we love to see it!

MOVIES

i didn't watch many movies this month... oops.

blackpink: light up the sky (2020)
this was interesting! i don't know anything about blackpink nor do i particularly care for them but i really liked how they showed all of the predebut trainee clips... jennie's little weeknd cover made me feel things <3 and obviously during a documentary like this that's produced by the company it's definitely true that everything they're sharing is still slightly sanitized for public fan consumption or whatever, but they were more open than i expected with regards to the struggles of touring/not really being able to produce music and basically just being models more than musicians. idk i liked it

the handmaiden (2016) ★★★★
ummm idk T__T i liked it and i thought it was a really beautifully shot movie and the developing romance between the protags was tender and lovely... but also during the sex scenes i was sitting there like :D?? is this really necessary?? it felt sort of gratuitous and like shoehorned in for no reason? i definitely wasn't expecting it and maybe if i knew exactly what i was getting into i would have enjoyed it more.

the social network (2010) ★★★★
this was sooo questionable lol. like aaron sorkin is definitely problematique and cannot write women to save his life BUT umm i honestly roped my best friend into watching this with me just so that i could understand the ao3 fics better... me developing a random soft spot for andrew garfield playing eduardo saverin and then reading the most weirdly-specific-yet-relatable fic in existence? it's more likely than you'd think.

K-DRAMAS

i don't even regularly watch kdramas, despite what my terrible taste in fanfic tropes might lead you to think... but i did end up binging run on over the course of 2.5 days LOL... initially i planned to write up a whole dreamwidth post on what i like about this drama but now that a couple of weeks have passed i feel moderately more sane about it. i'm not sure if i'd necessarily recommend the drama to every person ever (even though i do wish more of my friends would watch it... i just want someone to Talk about this with), but most of the elements felt specially targeted towards me <3 i just think there's something really valuable in "unsoulmatery" and "working for love" and the way the main leads are like... they have good intentions towards each other, but the conflicts in the drama don't stem from dumb love triangles or contrived plot devices—even though they like each other, it's still a struggle to communicate/completely be on the same page with the other person? just because they're so different as people? i don't know, that just felt realistic to me and i appreciated it. the writing was really strong and there was a good balance of more lighthearted moments and commentary on like perseverance, hard work vs talent, communication & translation... also the side characters were so cute <3 kim woo shik has my entire heart etc etc

my favorite part was definitely the way both of the main characters' occupations/interests were sort of like... themes of the drama? like the male lead is a runner and there's this whole thread about perseverance and not stopping and finishing the race. and then the female lead works as a translator and there are a lot of reflections on translating and communicating between different things/places/people... and the second male lead is an ARTIST so of course there are meditations on like the struggles of the artistic process. idk there was a lot going on here in general, from the subplot on gapjil (?) and the whole "what is the purpose of a story" of it all T__T

READING

BOOKS

didn't read that much compared to the previous months for reasons that'll soon become obvious LOL.

george by alex gino ★★★★.5
the tears i shed over this little middle grade novel... man idk. trans narratives are so important and it's so nice to see a kid's book cover the topic with like? gentleness and care? it wasn't particularly angsty or anything like that but i just kept on crying because of how kind most of the people in the book are... and everyone being well-intentioned but not necessarily coming through properly at first... T___T a lovely short read

skim by jillian tamaki, mariko tamaki ★★★
this book was so strange. i feel like i just wasn't the target audience or something despite this book being about an asian teen sapphic... part of it is just personal preferences (i don't believe in witches?) and another part of it is plot points i wasn't a fan of (spoiler: v ungr fghqrag/grnpure eryngvbafuvcf fbbb zhpu. yvxr gur znva punenpgre vf FVKGRRA gung'f fb zrffrq hc lxabj).

heartstopper: volume one by alice oseman ★★★★
recommended by

sonria! this was really cute!? maybe i rated it too high but it's like... idk i think escapism ya gay romance graphic novels are nice. also reading this after finishing skim was such a nice palate cleanse T__T

the seven husbands of evelyn hugo by taylor jenkins reid ★★★★.5
recommended by

girlrock! this was a nice, easy read and super entertaining... i feel like it left more of an impact me than i expected given the general chick-lit writing/packaging? idk sometimes (most of the time) secret relationships and love that's just for two people or whatever CAN be compelling. i also just really liked how evelyn hugo lived her truths in general... also when people are bi <3 we love to see it <3

pachinko by min jin lee ★★★★.5
recommended by

stoplight! $&*(#&$*# what do i even say. another book where the story was super compelling and i got really immersed in what i was reading... the writing is simple and effective and i thought it was really interesting! the reason why this isn't five stars is because i feel like the story sort of derailed a bit at the end. also personally i was a little uncomfortable with certain plotpoints (spoiler: ybjxrl genhzngvmrq ol gung obl ybfvat uvf ivetvavgl gb uvf qnq'f tveysevraq'f qnhtugre. yvxr jung? naq gura fur'f uvf SVEFG YBIR??? vg'f fb shpxrq hc naq v xabj vg'f abg npghnyyl yvxr... vaprfg be nalguvat ohg vg'f pregnvayl fgenatr naq v qba'g xabj jul vg jnf arprffnel).

FIC

this was just one of Those months where i read an exorbitant amount of questionable fanfiction... my interest in reading fic definitely shifts based on my mood and for the past couple months before this, i hadn't been reading much fic outside of stuff that friends wrote + whatever looked decent in the enhypen ao3 tag. but then i got into ateez, which for some reason has a bunch of like... idk the fic isn't amazing BUT IT SURE IS READABLE TO ME! i struggled finding good seongjoong fics that i liked but then for some reason basically any iteration on the "woosan uni au friends to lovers fwb" plotline was just like >. anyways. i don't think i've read this much fic since maybe september of last year when i decided to randomly read a bunch of bnha fics for no reason T___T

highlights of the month

beam me up by whiskybusiness // i think everyone has seen me lose my mind over this fic. if you thought that the changrose tinhet pegging fic that i recommended last month was unhinged, well... this is like that but then multiplied by 1000. should i even be surprised that those two authors are friends!??! cindy pointed out that like... some elements of the plot are slightly questionable but i don't even knowww i was just so enamored with the writing style and how crazy everything was. if you're ok with my terrible sense of humor then maybe you'll like this, but either way it was kind of life-changing...
other random ateez fics that i liked: here for the good life [seongjoong uni au written by whiskybusiness, has the same issues as the first fic if you're umm not into that sort of thing], i've always been a coward (and i don't know what's good for me) [why is every minjoong fic like That. well anyways this is set in boston and it made me lose my shit for obvious reasons], tell me where to start [sometimes a little bit of WOOSANSANG can be so personal]
if you dm me maybe i'll recommend you some woosan (warning for extremely questionable... everything) depending on how embarrassed i'm feeling of my fanfic taste. if you know then you Know etc etc
come away with me by malariamonsters // this is sort of like... an epilogue for run on? i wasn't expecting much when i clicked on it but it turned out to be really lovely... idk i just like established relationships, domesticity, reflections on what it means to truly love someone, introspection, tenderness, etc. sorry for reccing random het fic every month i'm a disaster
crash (i'm in overdrive) by pulses // normally i don't mention friendfic here because. well i mean have you seen my ao3 comments... there's only so much i can Say. BUT because it was a fic that i PERSONALLY MANIFESTED i think it deserves a mention anyways T____T pls check this out. thanks

LISTENING

total scrobbles: 2269 (▲63)
average scrobbles per day: 75 (▲4)

top artists:

enhypen (448)
ateez (298)
drippin (167)
ab6ix (108)
taeyeon (104)
p1harmony (99)

top albums:

enhypen - border : carnival (444)
drippin - boyager (122)
ateez - treasure ep.fin: all to action (112)
kim woo seok - second desire [tasty] (82)
ateez - treasure ep.2: zero to one

top tracks:

enhypen - outro: the wormhole (174)
enhypen - fever (88)
ateez - dazzling light (82)
drippin - overdrive (79)
enhypen - mixed up (68)
kim woo seok - sugar (67)
onlyoneof - onlyoneof you (65)
enhypen - drunk-dazed (59)
ateez - promise (54)
enhypen - not for sale (54)

uhh... when you're an engine. i sort of assumed i'd spend the last days of april scrobbling enhypen so i spent a good portion of this month working my way through random 4th gen bg/gg discographies (and taeyeon. why does that woman have so many mediocre ballads)... other than that there's not much to say. WHEN OUTRO: WORMHOLE is unironically your favorite enha song?! i've been listening to a lot of music lately because i've been studying more often than usual. shoutout to drippin - overdrive & kim woo seok - sugar for being my writing songs this month though TT

WRITING

well. this month was pretty bad writing-wise especially compared to last month's ~30k... definitely didn't expect that considering my entire week off but whatever it's fine! trying to figure out what was stopping me from writing and i think it's a combination of 1) i hit a roadblock on my Big Jaywon Fic and i'm not sure if i'll even continue it. so now i just have a draft that's at 16k like :D?? 2) the response to heart shaker was a lot different than what i expected (in a good way!) but it also made me feel pressured (??) i guess 3) just didn't really have any compelling ideas tbh.

that being said i did end up posting some short fics. two of them were pwp (lol) and one of them was a birthday drabble, so it wasn't anything too high pressure... T__T sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to cure "writer's block" or whatever.

i've been thinking about where i want to go with my writing/what i want to continue writing about, and it's like... idk. i think there are things i want to get better at and i need to figure out how to improve at those things? and then in terms of content/pairings, i really want to write heejay and jakehoon after my next jaywon fic... as much as i like one-trick ponyism i'm not 100% sure if it's for me! there's only so many ways i can write jaywon i guess

also reading a bunch of ateez fic where explicit fic is basically the norm made me consider a lot of things. well first of all it made me realize how boring it can be at times (LOL) but also i want to be able to incorporate those things into a fic with actual plot and stuff (as opposed to writing shitty pwps)?! i feel like there's a lot of interesting stuff to explore wrt the physical vulnerability of it all... trust and communication... etc etc. i want to overcome being embarrassed about writing those things ^^

i also set up an archive account on ao3 and dumped a lot of my old fics there. i feel a lot better at this sort of... separation of content? i'm starting to realize that i'm basically incapable of being an "anonymous" person—because of the fandom spaces i'm in (curse of 4th gen rookie boy groups) and the things that i'm into (apparently mentioning heeseung in all of your txt fics isn't normal???) i'm very easily identifiable to anyone who's /looking/ for me. but i think putting some of my more questionable stuff on a second ao3 account, and having it linked to my main profile or whatnot, isn't a bad way of going about things. idk ^_^

REFLECTIONS

i was deactivated on twitter for the last week or so of this month and i guess this is starting to become a normal occurrence for me? idk, trying to balance social media and fandom and make sure that i'm /happy/ at the end of the day is sort of... challenging in some ways. like i want to "speak my truths" and be honest without getting "canceled" but i also don't think it's 100% necessary to tweet every single opinion i have... idk. it's definitely something i will continue trying to figure out. not sure how to phrase this without sound crazy i'm sawry. and as much as i like answering random anon questions on cc sometimes getting accused of heeseung anti-ism out of nowhere is like. well then

in terms of actual media consumption too ummm i want to be reading less questionable fanfic next month ;; i went thru my to-read list and just requested a bunch of lgbt ya novels at my library so HOPEFULLY these are easier for me to get into. and enhypen is starting to produce a lot of content again (... tfw i already feel behind on things? oh well) so i doubt there’ll be any more insane multi moments coming from me.

senior sliding is definitely hitting though T__T nothing really matters yet at the same time i still have a couple of end-of-year things to sort out. ughh idk i just feel so strange at times! the weather is getting better though and hopefully i can get back into the habit of running & baking again... i miss doing all of that.

as it goes like waves

if i could give you everything i felt

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Profile

as it goes like waves